Encinitas, I don’t love you

and its okay.

Encinitas, I don’t love you. I don’t know if its because I don’t love myself at the time of writing this little passage. I don’t know if it’s because of the plastic surgery. I don’t know if its because my brother chose this to be his forever place. I don’t know if its because everything looks the fucking same. I don’t know if it’s the racist remarks, gringo culture, electric scooters. I don’t know if it’s the sun or the sand. I don’t know.

I just know

that I

don’t

like you.

I think you may have caught me at a bad time though. To be fair to you. I’m a lil messy rn and your perfect little face makes me feel a lil sour about my imperfections. Everything is expensive — keep in mind I barely picked up a tab this trip — and your food sucks. I mean the Mexican food isn’t bad actually, neither are your roads and country clubs. I think it’s less the utility I get out of them and more the fact that all these things look & taste good thanks to the sweat of the immigrants you are trying to spit out with each waking day. Two people. Those with their back straight and those hunched over.

All my brother’s friends are white. Like so white. My brother listens to country music on his way to work. He’s getting married in Mexico. I would never be here if it wasn’t for you. I don’t know if you’re a reflection of what I could be. I love you but I don’t love myself here.

I’m broke. My parents are keeping me afloat and I hate it. I was meant to be applying for jobs but I’m in a Mexican spot and it doesn’t have wifi so I’m writing to you. I was craving to speak Spanish and a sugar cane coke. I got both. I’ll probably stay here for a while. I’m more confused than ever. My albums out but I can’t celebrate. I need a therapist. A year and a half of work for what. I’m in a pessimistic mindset right now let me be. Why do I feel like progress looks different for me than everyone else. Internally I’ve grown more in the past 3 months than in the past 3 years. And yet I am still searching for a job that isn’t in the service industry. Three years since I’ve graduated and I have nothing to show for it. Academically / professionally speaking. Almost 10 years creating a version of myself little me would proud of. And in this precise moment I feel like my questions overpower my answers 10 to 1. A hill I still haven’t climbed. Maybe it’s time for me to abandon the idea that I’m ever going to see the view from up there. I preach curiosity — why? My brother was never a really curious person and he seems to be doing pretty good right now. He got engaged!

An American couple just sat besides me with a dog that looks expensive. Vibes just took a hit right now.

My father says I’m too pessimistic. My mother says I’m too optimistic. I don’t know what to think. I wish I could offload that chore to somebody else. I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex recently. Weird. We broke up like 4 years ago. I have a theory. When I was with her I rarely questioned myself. Or if I did I had her to comfort me — reassure me. I guess I miss that. I miss her too, but in a different way. She understood a simpler version of me. One I sometimes wish I could switch into every now and then. I credit a lot of growth to the period after I broke up with her. I changed friend groups, I started finding my style, my passion, people that I could connect with on a deeper level. I wonder if she thinks about me. I feel like this shouldn’t be important to me at this stage of my life but I think it is. She’s been with other people, I’m pretty sure she’s dating someone right now. I’ve had some things but nothing as serious as a partner.

I know I see myself as ‘better’ than a lot of people. I know it’s not healthy. I don’t think its for a narcissistic reason, I just think it helps me legitimise the effort I’ve put in to become a better human being. I lost two out of three tennis games to my brother yesterday. I know I’m better than him at tennis. If I really tried I would beat him no problem — two games doesn’t prove anything. I feel like I do this a lot. It’s how I justify taking a two week holiday to the States when I’m broke and have no job. It’s why it takes me so long to e-transfer my best friend and why I permit myself to open his fridge and take anything from his section whenever I go see him. Me knowing I’ll pay him back, or me knowing that my fridge is always open to him, sort of nullifies the actual act of paying him back as soon as I have the money, or second guessing before I take his mandarin.

I put too much weight on the way I perceive my own moral code and not enough on living myself accordingly.

Boom. Hit it right on the nail there. Only took a couple of paragraphs. Writing is great. I should do it more often.