Today was rather loaded.
A bombardment of messages from my cousin, insulting me and my family, confirmed an ever present sentiment that for the first time in my life I was truly going to lose a cousin. A part of my bloodline, the only one on my mothers side, is no longer accessible to me. It’s a bizarre feeling. One I’ve never (thankfully) had to face before. I feel insulted. I feel like my time, my energy has been taken advantage of. I feel like my kindness was manipulated and my good faith squandered. These aren’t new feelings.
I must admit as a young kid I felt as if sometimes these same character traits were taken advantage by close ones around me. Specifically my brother. I saw myself change from a cheery curious boy to an angry, isolated child in the span of a couple of years. This wasn’t solely caused by my brother, in fact it probably was most associated to me getting bullied or smoking weed at the ripe age of 12, but the timeline is always fuzzy with these things. I’m sure you know what I mean.
The point is this is a feeling I recognise. The same one I would feel when I would lend my brother all my pocket money just for him to viciously deny that I ever gave it to him, in front of my parents. The same one I felt when I would spend days texting a group chat that I was unaware was inactive, considering every person in that group was already in another chat that I wasn’t included in. It’s funny things have a way in creeping when you least expect them. Anyway.
I’ve had my fair share of regrettable moments. In no way would I see myself as a victim throughout my childhood or upbringing. I may indeed have inflicted more damage to those around me than what was imposed on me. But then again who can measure these things?
I decided to stop by my dep (depanneur) on the way home to see Suhail. His dry humor and non-bullshit way of seeing the world often helps me in such times. Unfortunately this did not help. We talked about our upbringing, and he told me “Bruno, you’re not latino, you’re Suisse”, a sentiment my mother has repeated several times. I asked him what it meant to ‘be’ from somewhere. Is papers all that count? I was born in England, does that make me english? I ask — “Bruno, you grew up in Switzerland, you are Swiss”. Fair enough, tough to contest that. ‘No-bullshit’ type of dude I mean what did I tell you. Anyway, this got my gears working. Every-time I feel at peace with an aspect of my external life or internal dialogue some shit always comes way.
“I don’t know” — I told myself. Is it not okay to just not fucking know these things?
I called my brother. First to discuss the recent family events but then divulging into politics. We discussed mass deportation, Elon Musk, taxes, immigration. At every point I tried to lead the conversation with reason and empathy. We talked two hours. We got nowhere. If I can’t even change my brothers stance on this — I told myself — how could I possibly change the world.
Then I ran back through my cousins messages. Since I was at the gym when he was spamming me I sort of didn’t pay much attention to them. A lot of what my cousin was saying, I was simply not entertaining. At some point though I must admit, I lost my patience and just started sending him GIFs. Anyway, looking back through the messages I read some things that I found deeply hurtful. Not so much because of what he was saying, but because of the mal-intentioned, truly spiteful way he was saying it. It seemed like he was truly thinking of what words or, anecdotes he could use to hurt me the most. This is something I have grown quite accustomed to, as I am sure any little brother has.
(P.S. My brother used to say I was adopted so frequently that I truly questioned family and my place in it. (What’s crazy is that I can see him reading this, and using the fact that I opened myself up to this feeling as potential ammunition to our next fight.))
Back to my cousin.
I don’t know man. Like shit I just don’t know. What do people want from me? What do I want from myself? What is taking the highroad, what is standing your ground, what is too much?
Why do I feel like so many people really seek to inflict pain on others, or are simply too ignorant to recognise the pain their words and actions can cause. Am I silly for feeling empathy, trying to find the middle ground, lending an ear instead of ridiculing.
I talked about this about today, with my friends and with my brother. I feel like we are loosing compassion, we are losing reason. Who is we, I don’t know, but I’m surely part of this demographic. When talking with my brother about mass deportation, all I could say was, “Mat doesn’t it also hurt you to see other human beings being treated like dogs, demonised, shipped like cattle, put in handcuffs and separated from their children. Can we not just see this as inhumane.” — “They should have just done it the right way” he says “just like I did it.”
Pretty much sums up my day. Feel hopeless and slightly disappointed. Some days feel like you can have a positive impact on the world and others you feel like we’ve gone to shit. Why are people so damn mean? I swear they trynna’ bring out my demons.
We good though.
PEACE.